this is not really about jeans

This is not your normal fashion OOTD. 

It's 'food week' here technically - that's what I claimed it was. I love food & I associate it was being happy & celebrating & I want to celebrate everyday ;) :) :) Basically that has resulted in me being frustrated most of this year trying different things to lose weight. I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life & I spend a lot of time feeling discouraged about that.

This fall at a low point, I told Philip, my husband, that I wanted to get a new pair of jeans. I only had two pairs & both barely fit me so when I would wear them, I would feel crummy about myself. I carry all my weight in my butt so when you see me looking put together its because I am showing you the top half of myself....which I prefer. Or I have stood a different way to not draw attention to the my legs.

So Philip and I went into J.Crew and every pair I hated the way I looked. I could squeeze myself into ones with some spandex, but then they felt uncomfortably tight. If I sized up they looked weird and saggy. Then we went into GAP and I was on the verge of tears. The sales associate was so clueless and had no idea why I was on the verge of crying asking about different pairs of jeans.

I finally ended up with these jeans even though they weren’t exactly what I wanted. I feel okay with them and am grateful that every time I put them on...it doesn't feel like I am condemning myself. I basically lived in these jeans all winter because I felt like they were something easy put on and I didn't feel bad about myself when I put them on. I didn't have to over think it. Even though I felt self conscious about my pasty skin - which is a whole other body issue that I probably will have to address too.

This is about more than jeans though. This is about learning to love and accept myself. This is about giving myself grace, but not giving up on myself either. It's all a confusing dichotomy that have I am on a journey to figuring out.

I have a feeling I am not alone in this battle of learning to love myself - my personality quirks, my physical body, my bad habits...

I’m not sure if I am making sense - and this is not a plea for encouragement. But a statement saying if you also have had some of these thoughts too, I’d love you to know you - you are not alone in trying to figure this out.

As we are wrapping up some of this week on food...(l’m still working on all my meal subscription taste tests 😉 ) we are starting to talk about our wardrobe next week & letting go of guilt & feeling good about what we wear.